Silence

Your silence was as loud as my screams

As they pulled your still body from me. 

-Glenna

    

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So Sick

I wish that the pain and suffering would have scarred me on the outside 

I wish it would have mangled me to pieces so that people would know I was damaged. 

So that they would look at me and it would terrify them. 

I want to see the fear in their faces and smell it In the air. 

I want to be so ugly it makes you sick. 

So sick that you would know what it feels like when your stomach drops at the sight of your motionless and silent infant laying in your arms. 

I want to be left alone in my grief. I want to drown in it.

Feeling a Little Anxious 

The anxiety builds up in my chest seeping into my gut. Building up pressure causing my heart to pound. 

The pounding of my heart becomes so loud I can’t concentrate on the things around me. Every noise starts to blend together 

it gets louder LOUDer LOUDER! 
I squeeze my eyes shut trying to drown everything out. 

Breathe 1…. 2…. 3….. 
My heart is beating even faster now 

I start to breathe a little heavier. 

Catching my breath is now a challenge. 

Louder LOUDer LOUDER! 
I feel myself start to perspire and I wipe my forehead clean. 

It’s so hot inside me I can feel the anxiety boiling. 

My hands are shaking and My steps are unsure. 
My clothing rubs across my skin making me cringe. 

The rough fabric sending a nasty feeling through my anxious stomach. 

My loose sleeves making me feel tangled inside myself. 

Every feeling and every sound is 

Louder LOUDer LOUDER! 
I make it to my closet where I shed the suffocating clothes, 

stripping away the rough fabric. 

Louder LOUDer LOUDER! 
Putting on a fresh shirt feeling it cool against my skin. 

Shorts and then fresh socks. 

I pull my hair back and off my neck so I don’t feel so smothered. 

Cold water on my face to wipe away the stress. 

I look in the mirror. This is my 3rd outfit today. 

everything is settling. 

QUIETER QUIETer quieter.

February 6th Was My Due Date.

I have not updated my blog about my pregnancy, it has been a whirlwind of events. My sweet daughter was born December 20, 2014 at 7:22 in the morning via emergency c-section. She was 7 weeks early and I’m proud to say she is doing so great. She will be 2 months old tomorrow and my heart still can’t believe what is happening.

My water broke at 31 weeks while I was sitting on my couch watching t.v. with my husband. I was on bed rest so reclining in the living room was usually my place of choice. I went to turn over and a rush of fluid started to come out. I don’t think I’ve ever jumped up so fast in my life. I tried to tell myself that I just peed but I knew what it really was. As my husband rushed to get me in the truck and to the hospital all I could think was “oh no, not again.” At the hospital labor was eventually stopped thanks to a nasty drug called magnesium. After two weeks of strict hospital bed rest my baby dropped and I knew she was going to make her way to me. I told my doctor that morning that she was coming and sure enough around 9 PM that evening, labor began. I wanted a natural labor with no pain medication. I wanted to walk the halls and feel my woman roots. But nothing ever goes as planned. Her heart rate was becoming unstable and raising but not enough to worry yet and I was no longer allowed to move as I pleased. After about 6 hours of labor, I decided to get the epidural. It slowed her rate back down and things were good, until the fever came. My temperature spiked at 102.3 and her rate was hitting the 190’s. So again at 7:22 in the morning I gave birth or had surgery to deliver the precious angel that we now call,

Glenna Grace.

born

first kiss

baking

first hold

home

30 Weeks

I am now 30 weeks pregnant with my 4th baby. This is all hitting me very hard and I still can’t believe that she will be coming home with me. I have been mostly quiet during this pregnancy. Its been stressful and terrifying. But I’ve made it so far. My cerclage comes out in approximately 7 weeks. My little one could come anytime after that. I’m so excited and nervous. This will be my first baby to ever bring home and after so much planning and trying I’m scared I won’t know what to do.
I plan on having an all natural un-medicated hospital birth. I know what I’m choosing is the hard way and my husband and doctor are still having a hard time wrapping their heads around it, I feel it’s something I have to do. I need and want to feel this pain so that I know its real. I want to feel every contraction and remember every moment of this birth. It will be worth it. I haven’t been able to take any birthing classes since I’ve been on bed rest since 23 weeks. I feel very unprepared. But I know God will lead me t through this journey. I am so real to hold my little girl.

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This Baby Isn’t Going To Die.

Pregnancy after loss is hard. It is a battle you fight everyday. You wait and wait for something to go wrong and you pray with all your might that everything will go perfectly. It is stressful. You think lightning won’t strike twice or God wouldn’t do that again. But it does happen again. It knocks you of your feet and you lose all hope and all faith. This is me. I am a mom to three babies that you can’t hold. They died. They’re gone.
   Being pregnant again is
terrifying. Every day is a challenge. I try to be so careful with my body so I don’t do anything to disrupt my little one. But what I wish I had more of was positive thoughts.
    I know my babies died and I know there is always a chance of it happening again but why do people feel the need to bring those negative thoughts like I don’t have enough of my own. I don’t want to hear how you are waiting to be excited. I don’t want to hear how you’re holding breath until I’m past viability. I don’t want to be told to wait to buy anything. Those are the thoughts that put mom’s like me in a hard place.
   We want to be excited but we are scared. We need to be told it’s okay to feel excited. We need to talk about putting the nursery together and future plans for baby. If this baby died I wouldn’t love them any less or be any less sad so why not be just as excited about this one as you were for your first. Why not start believing that this baby won’t die. That you can carry a baby and bring them home happy and healthy.

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Guess What?

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                        I’M PREGNANT!

   The husband and I are going to have a baby! I’m still in shock and taking it all in. I don’t go to the doctor until June 5th but I did go have a blood test done. Everything is positive!
   I found out yesterday night while my husband was at work and instead of calling him, I wrapped the test in a box and gave it to him when he got off. The look on his face was PRICELESS! We are both so excited.
   I am also very nervous and scared about all the things that could happen, the things that have happened. I’m trying not to let it get me down and to just be happy about this upcoming blessing. I have a good feeling about this time around.
 

PTSD.

 

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Today I was diagnosed with PTSD. No I have never been to war and I have never seen or shot anybody.
I have held three dead babies in my arms and I have felt my own life slipping away as I tried to put my babies lives before mine. That is traumatic and it has affected my whole life.
Everyday I re-live the birth and death of my children. It replays in my head over and over until I’m just exhausted. Having to deal with these flashbacks in everyday settings can be very difficult.
The sadness is a completely different species. It takes over your whole mind and soul until you’re just a walking mass of black empty space. It makes everything seem dull and uninteresting.
Last but not least there is anxiety. Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t eat because my stomach will be so upset. I can’t hardly drive myself anywhere without feeling at least one panic attack.
I feel all these and more every single day. It’s a never ending and I’m just tired. I have PTSD and that’s okay. I’m just ready to get the help I need.