I did my day three of yoga today. As I sat on the end of my mat with my legs crossed and my hands palm on palm at my heart, taking in big deep breaths with my eyes closed; I let my mind wander. When I let loose the control on my mind it always wanders to the deep scary parts, parts where I try my hardest to avoid. I think about my loves lost and my hard times. I think about the deepest darkest places I have been. I think about the wrong things I have done in my life. Then I think about the days I lost my babies. Sometimes I feel like those days will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I will start with my daughter. Just typing this makes my anxiety spark. My heart pounding in my chest and I can feel the sweat on my palms start to form. I close my eyes and the memories are a little foggy but the sounds are so clear. We finally got the contractions to stop and my step mom left to let me go back to sleep. My husband was working nights… I was woke up abruptly with nurses surrounding me telling me I had a fever. I thought “A fever?” well how bad can that be… Then they checked me and I was already starting to dilate. Those are words you don’t want to hear with fever. They were talking about an epidural and me giving birth as soon as possible and all I could think was no. But I had no voice, no words. My mind was going a mile a minute but nothing could come out. All I wanted was to talk to my husband. I called him and he said he was on his way. I needed to tell him what was going on but I wouldn’t over the phone… I just couldn’t. I was waiting for him and all I can remember thinking was how much I was dreading what I had to tell him. At the time I felt like I had failed him. I made it another night and things got really bad. I was septic. refused to give birth, no way was I going to bring my daughter in to this world that early. I would die for her if I had to…. But my husband. I felt so stuck, If I gave birth so I could live I felt selfish. If chose to die and give birth and her maybe live I would be selfish. I was moved to the ICU and my husband knelt down by me and told me he couldn’t lose us both, I knew then what I had to do. I hate myself for it but most people would tell me I really didn’t have a choice. I took two pills to start my labor, I don’t even remember what they were called. Not long afterwards I gave birth to the most beautiful little angel I had ever seen. She had my nose and her daddies feet. I remember holding her and feeling so much love for her. How could my body do this. How could this be. This beautiful little life gone, my baby. She was my very first little love. I kissed her face, her hands, even her little feet. I cried over her for hours, encouraging family to hold her because after this we would never see her again.
Now we go to my little precious boys. These two little men were going to be my haven. They brought me out of darkness and let me feel like a mother again. I would get a sonograms every other week and I loved watching them move and squirm around. I was supposed to start a progesterone shot to help keep the pregnancy. The day I picked it up was a good day. I spend time with my dad and was waiting to go pick up my husband from work. I had to go to the restroom but when I was done liquid was still coming out when I wasn’t pushing. I immediately called my mom. I told her “I really need you to talk me off a ledge.” meaning I was about to have a panic attack. And as I spoke to her there was still liquid gushing out. I knew my water broke… I called my husband and he met me in front of his job and we went straight to L&D. They refused to see me, They said I wasn’t far enough along. So we then went to the ER side. We waited and waited and finally went back for sonograms and a check. No one said anything to us for hours. We sat in a room with chairs separated by partitions. I remember the girl next to me being told that she was having a miscarriage and I heard her break down and start crying. She was by herself and I so wanted to reach out to her, but I was scared. Instead I cried silently with her on my side of the partition praying that God would wrap her up and comfort her. Finally we were told what I already knew and we would be admitted. 7 days went by no changes. Then I went to the bathroom again and saw what I didn’t want to. My babies umbilical cord. I immediately broke down. My nurse came in and walked me back to bed and held me while I cried. She was such an angel. Again I called my husband out of work and told him to come. I didn’t want to tell him over the phone. I had to tell him to his face that I again had failed him because Baby A, my Jimmy William was no longer with us. hours had passed I don’t know how long but contractions never came. They finally cut his cord to minimize infection and prayed that labor wouldn’t come. But we all no that miracles are rare. About 1 or 2 am labor started. My husband was by my side holding my hand and we prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Nothing was stopping this from happening. I delivered my Jimmy at 9 something in the morning. They gave me 3 different medications to stop labor and none of them worked. I eventually gave birth to my second little boy still in his caul, my Westin Taylor. But things aren’t ever that easy and I began to lose a lot of blood. I don’t remember this part but my husband told me. Clot after clot was coming out. Eventually it stopped but I had to receive 2 pints of blood. The cleaned up my boys and brought them to me once they knew I was ok. They were so handsome. They had the same nose as their sister along with their dads big feet. I loved them so much and had so much hope in them and it was all lost. I made sure they had their blankets wrapped around them tight when I said good-bye.
These are the things I think about each and every day. These are the things that plague my mind along with the ultimate why. This is the path God has set before me. This is the burden that God has trusted in me to carry.